I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Wednesday, March 31

=/ =\

Don't bring that topic up again. Take it that i'm stubborn but i still refuse to recognise it the way it's suppose to be. Or rather perhaps i know the reason but i just simply choose not to. Don't expect this much from me for i'm just in the process of doing away the disappointment. Don't expect me to be very open minded about it at this point in time.

Everyone's talking about it. Just don't talk to ME about it. No not being rude here. Not directing at anybody. Not being sarcastic here. But just do me this favour. Please just don't bring it up.

I try to hide it away. But it just simply couldn't be washed off. The pain endured, scars left behind.. Would you look at your wounds and tell yourself that they never existed and it's never pain? It's the same thing. Would you look at something you yearn for so much in the past that and tell yourself you never worked for it and it never crossed your mind? Sighs. Go ahead and scold me and wake me up.

i just want to turn off everything. i just want to run away.

just let me run away...

Heli Dont ask me why 12:13 AM

Monday, March 29

To Belle:

lols. dun ask me why i suddenly wanted to post such an entry here. anyway suddenly recalled that you did post an entry about what you wanna say to the people around you. so i kind of wanted to look at what you wrote. anyway, read le still felt flattered at what you said about me. and that i realised i haven't posted anything like this when i said i wanted to last time. and that was like really ages ago. so.. haha..quite inspired to write something about what i wanna tell you. here it goes:

anyway.. ya.. glad to have you this crazy gal to be one my friends too. never regret knowing you at all. remember there was one period of time we were pretty close together.. den everytime go your house like nobody's business.. and there's this time we went to watch the jie shi hao bra after like mid yr exam or something. rather fun last time. and then you were busy and i was busy too. but now we still keep in contact ma.. which is something very wonderful yah? and time flies really.. i got to know you like when i was in sec2? when i just started my career in prefectorial board? was it you or kareen who wanted to pull me to student council board? haha.. couldn't remember though. but i would never ever forget those times we had in the prefect room then, playing daidee, table tennis.. carom(dunno how spell), and changing into our long sleeves there too! The times we stayed till the uncle zainah chased us out.. and we were doing our homework in the room.. eating eh.. choc gardenia bread.. haha.. and xin complaining to me about how tough amath was.. not forgetting we even imitate some of the teachers.. p and vp.. yeah those times really were pretty fun. Fond memories.

But now we are still getting along quite good too uh? Still get to hang out with you, ven and xin despite your hectic schedules etc esp xin and her odac.. haha.. and when we converse, there doesn't seem to be any age gap.. recent outing was the choir concert ba. A chance for you to see your fellow juniors putting up a show and getting together with us again. Hope you have fun that day though when you sat beside me, the things you told me i don't really get it. lols. don't bash me! =P

So now both us had left the alma mater and studying in different institutes. Gonna have your a levels this year and musn't play a fool le okay? Still remember you o levels that time still went over to xin's house and play final fantasy.. hor hor.. now cannot le okay? haha.. take care pal. Hope we stay this way till we are old! =)

*Know you like this song. So just nice for you. Oh and congrats to the choir members. Though it wasn't what you guys had expected it to be, can see lotsa effort put in. Great job. Don't only remember the faults, instead cherish the good moments ya? =]

Heli Dont ask me why 10:33 PM

Saturday, March 27

*to you i just talked to: be brave and strong. will tell you more of my stories next time. everything will be alright.

Heli Dont ask me why 9:33 PM

bad bad BAD DAY!

This is perhaps one of the days where i don't know i'm feeling right or wrong, i don't know if what i did was correct or unreasonable, i don't know if you are right or not, i don't know what my decision ultimately would be.. and i don't know if i'm helping or creating even more troubles unknowingly...

I can't make the decision. I don't know if i'm biase or not. I don't want to make that decision at all.

To my former squad: I don't know what happen to you guys.. i really don't know. I know today's training was really terrible for all of you. Scoldings after scoldings. To be frank, i don't know if my scoldings were justifiable or not. I don't like to see a squad always full of quarrels and complains about each other. Complain this and that. What fake what shit. Why have all of you ALL OF YOU become like this? Was it because of me not teaching you all the right things? Was it because i never handle your well? Was it because i had been too lenient? too harsh? I want to help you all through all these.. and i don't know my methods of helping are right or not... and the last thing i would never want to see would be all of you start hating each other.. distrusting each other.. and backstabbing.. don't give up on building the teamwork.. the friendships.. I realy don't wish to see all these.. but yet it's starting to happen now. All of us.. every single one of us has a heart. When we scold you all, it isn't just plain shouting like mad dog without any feelings.. i can tell you from the really bottom of my heart, i scold you all, i can tell you i am more sad than anyone of you. I'm not saying all these here to gain sympathy points from your.. i tell you if i don't give a damn about all of you, you think i would still come down every saturday when i don't need to? I know there's a problem in the squad already and i had been thinking how to help le. But when all of you don't try to help, and just.. scold each other? how am i suppose to then? i'm not blaming anyone directly and perhaps it started with me too. arhz.. i don't know what the hell i saying le.

sorry sorry.. i'm really finding somewhere to throw my things out..

To you: I don't know what to say to you. i don't know if it's just your bad mood today or what. i don't know if i'm right or wrong, if i'm biase or not. i don't like to see you upset, see you stress... i already try to help le.. but i don't know in the end did i or not.. i read what you wrote and it further make me speechless. i.. i really try to be impartial le.. everything i do and about to do, i always remind myself i have to be impartial and not whatever.. sighs...

I saw the list today again and still sore about it. K i know you will say don't think about it or what any more le. whatever la..

Sorry if i had been vulgar, rude, unreasonable... and whatever thing.. and i know i shouldn't talk back about him but sorry that's all from the bottom of my heart.

and this is yet another entry.. i just type whatever that comes to my mind..

Heli Dont ask me why 8:34 PM

Thursday, March 25

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:34 PM

Sunday, March 21

Blues

School starts tomorrow. And after the orientation, i really have to start studying. Had been playing for 3 months.. ever since the o level ended, i hadn't do any concrete thing. It's all another new start, another new chapter. It's good ba.. in the sense that i will have things to do. I was sharing my thoughts the other day, saying that, my life is perhaps borned in the way that either i slack through out, or i will keep myself busy always. I think i would choose the second route. Keep myself busy always. I want to live my life to the fullest. =)

And i had already made up my mind. I'm going for J04 course. Happy?

Things that i can't afford to reach up to, i shouldn't pursue them any longer. Time to wake up my idea.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:14 PM

Saturday, March 20

*Guilt*

Somehow i got the whole picture le. Nothing got to do with me. Though nothing to be sour bout, yet i still felt that way. Think i'm too narrow-minded. Time to broaden my mind.

bu zhi dao ni hao le mei.. ben lai zuo tian xiang yao shang wang de.. dan ge ge zai yong.. ran hou wo deng dao shui jiao.. bu ran you zao ni ting ni xiang shuo de hua le. Ni hai hao ma..? Wo ceng jing shuo guo wo zhi hui ting.. bu shi yong wo de er duo, er shi yong wo de xin qu ting. zhi ting jiu hao. xi wang ni yi mei shi le. hui wei ni qi dao de. yao yong gan qi lai hao ma? zuo wo yong gan de deng ta. rang wo zhe ge zhuo xing xing de yi zhi bei zai ni shen pang hao ma?

Oh.. i got into ny arts.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:11 AM

Wednesday, March 17

Tired + Bushuang = Vulgarities.

Tired. Exhausted. I'm in no state to think of nice phrases to write here. I think the best time to talk to me is when i'm tired. For i won't think much about what i want to say.. and therefore it's very straightforward. I'm really very tired. Yeah and it's over for that farking award le. And now i think of it, i really feel as if my 4 years of commitment is peanuts compare to the whoever-is-taking-that-award person.. Really bushuang man.. what the hell.... arrrgghhh..

And don't ask me to forget it coz it's really.. what the fark that kind.. haiz.. but also i say so much.. complain so much.. in the end nothing will change.. life sucks.. maybe from the start my fault le.. thought i very lihai.. thought i will sure get.. and even though i know the level of disappointment i going to get if i don't get the award in the end, i still continue to have high hopes on myself.. then your still say what i will get.. in the end leh.. hai.. always like this.. get o's result that time also like this. say will do well.. what the hell.. and i also think i so big f like that.. wtf.. okok.. then forget it. i can blame no one but myself for placing false hopes on myself again.. my problem..

and don't tell me not to be sad or what. tell you the truth, this award may just be an award to all.. but it really mean a lot to me.. this was once my motivational engine to work hard.. something for me to look forward to when i studying.. something i want to achieve to be proud of.. but what the fark.. what the hell.. i'm not depressed k.. i just really bushuan... don't like then don't read la..

and i think tonight's entry will be quite weird as compared to last time. because like i said to someone, i will be very straightforward when i very tired.. and yah.. i'm very frank now..

*and i also very tired to think about the things le. all i can do is to wait and wait only. and i also don't know need to wait till when. i don't feel like waiting too. see you don't know how to talk to you. don't know what you thinking. i don't want to know results too. i very scare what the answer in the end might be. hai.. whatever la.. i leave it up to fate le.*

tired really... i want to ko le..

Heli Dont ask me why 3:07 AM

Tuesday, March 16

Truth in friends or family?

I thought about this yesterday. We always say a person show his or her true self at home. Take eg. a boy always make lots of noise in school and at home, he is very quiet. We say that his true personality is being quiet. But.. why can't it be the other way round? Why can't it be that this guy is naturally noisy?

... you guys get what i'm trying to say?

I sink into deeper thoughts once more. Because of some factors at times, i wouldn't be myself. Was it because i want to reserve a good image? Or was it.. what was it?

Heli Dont ask me why 11:50 AM

Thursday, March 11

The Finale

3 months of JC coming to an end soon. Have actually settled down with my classmates le but yet we have to part again. Tomorrow would probably be the last time all of us gather.. and so i'm feeling rather.. hmm.. sour? Though it's less than 3 months, yet the times we have spent amount to unforgetable memories.

To be frank, initially what i intended to do was to be anti-social for the first three months with my class.. cos i thought what for make friends and then in the end still has to part? But i think in the end, i'm part of those who sort of broke the ice between all of us. I think i'm going to miss the times you all teased me about looking like snoopy.. haha.. and also the chinese lesson that "shan chuan" incident.. haha.. shhhh hor!!

I still remember our class kept growing each day from 26 ppl i guess to 32.. and den 30.. haha.. but still i think it's really very good that within such a short period of time we could get together so well.. of course it isn't every single one of us that mixed together, but i feel that overall, we are pretty close ba.. agree?

[Must remember snoopy k? hehe.. ]

So.. don't really have any really special messages to you all, but just hope that let's all stay in contact ok? Will see some of you around still but to the rest, all the best in your future endeavours. =]

Heli Dont ask me why 11:50 PM

Sunday, March 7

"A blogger may enjoy writing a blog...but that doesn't mean everyone wants to read it. For most of us, the humble reality is that if our autobiographies were available at the library for others to read, they'd be gathering dust." - Assistant Professor Mark Cenite.

Adapted from thesundaytimes, March 7, 2004

Heli Dont ask me why 2:50 PM

"Those were the days..."

Went out with belle, xin and ven for dinner yesterday. Hmm.. went amk's long john silver eat and then headed for aj ice. First time trying it.. hmm.. nothing special though just that it's a super big ice kachang. Anyway, the highlights was what had happened during the journey back home in ven's car.

We started talking about xinmin's stuff and then started recalling those times together. In the car we started to sing those songs.. xinmin school song.. and songs mr lee introduced to us.. we sang them all in the car... it's fun you know just singing and laughing at one another. Then we talked about the unwillingness to stay in jc till very late.. but back in xms, it's different. i wouldn't mind staying until the guy chase us away.. yup. and few of us would be going back xms to be teachers! =D

Anyway, hope that i can make it to be teacher ba. Apparently the teacher job is kind of popular, so competition wise is very stift. Hmmm.. xms, i'll be back.

Peeps, hang out more often k? =)

Heli Dont ask me why 11:59 AM

Thursday, March 4

To Xms Campcraft Team 2004:

Receive the results from CI Zhiwen sms today. First thing i thought of would be how you guys feel. Of course there's the disappointment in me too, but i know for sure the disappointment i had would never be comparable to you guys.

The ultimate success of the 8 months of training isn't determine by the results only. As i had told some of you, the trophy or winning in the end is just an additional bonus. Perhaps unknowningly, you guys had achieved even more things great which you had never come across. Take a moment to look back on the past trainings, recall the times when you guys had to be called back for trainings. From arguments and complaints to fun and laughter. From quarrelings and unhappiness to encouragements and even more bondings. How can just a trophy alone be comparable to all these priceless achievements?

I understand that there would still be a level of disappointment and sadness. But i hope all these would be compensated by the fact that there's so many people around caring for you all. I had been with you all for the last few months of trainings, i had seen the blisters and cuts and what not on you guys, and frankly, i felt pain as well when i see them. Remember, i was once in a campcraft team before. I was with you guys even till the competition day itself when i witness the whole thing. And this go out especially to the girls, i had witnessed something that was what i wanted much more than the trophy. The high standard of determination and unity you had displayed.. that's beyond words. And that very moment when i saw all of you picking up, i told myself, you gerls had already claimed the champion in my heart. That's really from the bottom of my heart.

Remember the letter i read out of you all from CI Zhiwen? Bear in mind what he said, you guys are his strong strong warriors. Don't be disheartened. Don't be too upset. You all are too precious to us.. Cheer up ok?

In this world, human would never stop craving for better things. We would never put a fullstop to our desires. When we got hold of something we initially aimed for, we would still ask for what better not. Guess all of us just had to learn to be contented. And that probably leads to a easier and perhaps a happier life.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:40 PM

Wednesday, March 3

When i saw your picture, i smiled.

But slowly, it fades away.

I'm at the crossroad yet again.

I turned back and looked at how long i travelled.

I asked myself, "Am i prepared to leave them behind?"

No. It should be..

Am I prepared to leave you behind?

Heli Dont ask me why 1:53 AM

Tuesday, March 2

Thoughts in the morning..

I'm no longer that hurt. It's just any other day i woke to find myself back to life. So what about the grades, i still get to jc huh? In the end it's yet again another exam to get me into the uni.. what's the point of getting so sad over it? But i think i'm not upset.. it's the bu gan yuan.. Never mind. It's all a new start already. I want to learn to put down whatever's behind and i want to start walking again. Rest too long le.. time to move on. Time to meet more people, time to make more friends... there are things i should bring forth with me.. there are things i should just leave it as it is...

I'm ready to move. you?

are you the one i should bring along with me?

Heli Dont ask me why 8:17 AM

Monday, March 1

"Had tomorrow passsed?"

I still has a long road to go. I'm taking my break now. Perhaps this break would last longer. Or perhaps i shouldn't waste more time and move on with life. But don't people always say, "Rest as much as you like, but just get on with life later on." Sometimes i'm puzzled by all these, wondering what should be right. But ultimately, there's no right and wrong. My life had come to a little still when i knew my results. At that very moment i felt the world was evil, was harsh, was cruel. Even if i'm given a chance again to go back in time and start the routine all over again, i may not want to do so anymore. For i'm already shattered and shaken by what i had gone through. To the extent even if there's chance again, i would take a step back. But as i said, it's all set. I've to move on.

I woke up today and the first thing i thought was,"Had my tomorrow passed?" And in come just plain blankness in my head.

I looked out of my window and i still see the sun shining. No matter how heavy rain had been yesterday, the sun is still shining. No matter how dark it had been yesterday, there's still light today. It's all a yesterday and i'm in today. If there's unhappiness or worries yesterday, let it just stay put there. I shouldn't bring it along to a brand new day like this. I should give myself another chance to lead another day with a fresh start. Whatever that had happened, its already written in history. My words would probably sound weightless saying like this. But it's up to my readers to believe whether i meant what i say. As for myself, i believe i meant them.

If darkness had to come, let it come.
For i know there will be brightness following up.

If i had to fall, then i guess its meant to.
For if i'm able to overcome, i would take on things stronger.

¹ýÁËÃ÷Ìì¾ÍÃ»ÊÂÁË...

" ... has my tomorrow passed... "

Heli Dont ask me why 11:32 AM

Attended another wedding dinner today. The bridegroom is a SAF guy, so it included military form kinda wedding. It's again yet another touching moment i experienced. Especially when i saw the videos shown and when the bridegroom carried the bride walking down the red carpet... that very moment really think that the bride was the luckiest girl. Say i'm crazy or what, haha.. i'm really looking forward to the day when it's my turn. *wink*

And as expected.. wasn't a very easy dinner. Why don't they just let me eat in peace.. karf ti.

...

And so, here's another one of my favourite song. Enjoy it ba.

When you say nothing at all - Ronan Keating

It's amazing
How you can speak
Right to my heart
Without saying a word,
You can light up the dark
Try as I may
I could never explain
What I hear when
You don't say a thing

[CHORUS:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There's a truth
In your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You'll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

All day long
I can hear people
Talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
(The crowd)
Try as they may
They can never define
What's been said
Between your
Heart and mine

[Repeat chorus twice]

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know
That you need me

[Repeat chorus]

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know
That you need me

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

I watched the world go round and round..
And my life goes back at the speed of sound..
Looking back..
I just wonder where i belong..

You're right. It doesn't take me one tomorrow.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:05 AM

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